FreeWrite - Thoughts on Finding purpose through my Work.

I’ve taught 27 classes in the last 28 days.

Eight different photoshoots at the studio. 

I have 15 more classes to teach before the end of the month.

I expected to feel burnt out and overwhelmed when I first realized how much I'd be teaching this month. I am covering for a couple of our instructors during one of my own busiest months, and to be honest I was sort of dreading the additional work load. 

This year, I've been examining my relationship to work and productivity, and questioning many deeply ingrained beliefs and habits learned by living in late stage capitalism. I've been contemplating and attempting to embody the idea of rest being political and necessary to my (our) survival. 

For the better part of the year, I had largely taken a step back from my studio and from teaching and -- 

 I hated it. 

I grew untethered and uninspired. I lacked structure and a sense of purpose. 

Resting stopped feeling good, and instead starting generating a sense of restlessness and unease. 

I looked to other humans to give me meaning and excitement and purpose and direction. I dated a bunch. Said yes to as many social outings as I could. 

At one point, it hit me how utterly exhausted I was, and how peculiar that felt to recognize when I had been working less and resting more than I ever had in my entire adult life. My studio became a point of tension and bitterness for me, and I felt like an afterthought in my own space. 

I had no idea how much of this dissatisfaction and discontentment would be settled by working harder but - now that I'm in the thick of it I have to say - I feel better than I have all fucking year. 

I am often convinced I work too hard, too much, and my life is too centered around the services I share and the experiences I create for my clients. I often contemplate how healthy it is for so much of my identity to be wrapped up so entirely in pole, dance, movement, and above all else - teaching. 

But, the truth is - for how anticapitalist I am, I sure do find a deep, utterly consuming sense of satisfaction from showing up like this - and so be it if my life's work is also my life's purpose. 

I should consider myself lucky.